My First Love

This is going to be a long one because I want to be able cover everything that I can remember and I think it's something important in my life that should not be forgotten.

The first word that comes to my mind when thinking about the first time I fell in love is disappointment.

I was not your typical kid, I had a full life plan in place. I worked as much as I could, saved up as much as I could and wanted to get married early, have children early, pay off my house early and then enjoy life while not having to worry about my finances. I watched my parents start from nothing into creating a nice middle class life for themselves and I wanted the same. The only difference was I was starting much earlier than them and so I figured I could be semi retired by the age of 35-40 and just live life with my family. So when looking for a girlfriend, I was always looking for someone I could marry and not some fling.

Laura came into my life when I was in OAC and sadly I don't remember how we met and how we actually started dating. All I can remember is that I was in a really dark place mentally at the time and her friendship really helped and I think because of that, I developed a bond with her much quicker than I normally would.

Before I continue, I want to highlight why I consider my first very serious relationship a disappointment. If you were to ask me when I was dating Laura that we wouldn't be friends or on speaking terms years after a breakup, I would have said you were nuts. The idea of not being friends or not caring about the first person I loved and the first person I made love to is simply disappointing to me. I'm not sad, I'm not upset or angry....I'm just disappointed and the last thing I'm not going to do is tell myself that it was all her fault. We are both to blame for what happened and if anything, I'm to blame more than her.

There are going to be a lot of holes in the journal entry because I don't remember much about Laura and us being together and I'm not 100% sure why. You would think that you'd remember at least some intimate info about your first love but sadly I don't.

• I don't remember how we first met

• I don't remember our first date

• I don't remember our first kiss or the first time we made love

• I don't remember any of her favorite music, movies, books or magazines.

• At one point I forgot her last name and had to find it on an old picture

• I don't remember where she worked

• I don't remember what she studied in school

• I don't remember her mom's name or her brother's name.

• And the list goes on and on.

Not remembering so much about her really concerns me. I don't feel like my memory is all of a sudden failing me but maybe it's a sign of early memory loss. Regardless, the goal here is to document as much as I can that way I have something for reference.

As mentioned above, Laura came into my life when I was in a dark place. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time but somehow our paths crossed and things just sort of brewed between us. At the time I had a big crush on a girl named Liz at Canadian Tire. We had plans to go on a date before Laura came into my life.... I sometimes wondered how that relationship would have gone.

I can remember being really happy around Laura, she was a new friend that showed an interest in me and I remember thinking how nice she was. She'd laugh at my jokes and we enjoyed walking around.

We didn't really hang out too much at school, she had her friends and I had mine. I don't even think we started kissing till the summer but I'm just guessing at this point.

Love was a very serious thing to me and I didn't just toss it around like many other people I knew. I think it took over a year before I fell in love with her.

I was in OAC and I knew that in 4 years (after uni), I'd want to get settled, get married and have kids so I took our relationship very seriously and I didn't want to waste her time by leading her on. If I didn't think we were compatible, I would have broken up with her. That was one thing I made clear with her when we started getting serious, I told her I was looking for a wife, not just some fling and she reacted positively to the news.

During my first year at Mac, she was in OAC at a school nearby so it didn't feel like we were in a long distance relationship. I'm not sure if she knew where she was going to go to University but there was a good chance that we'd be in a long distance relationship.

At the time I wasn't fond of a long distance relationship because I knew they had a much higher likelihood of not working out but I had fallen in love with Laura and I wanted to take that chance. At the time, Laura checked off most of my boxes for a compatible mate...

1. She was smart

2. She spoke french

3. She was ambitious, she wanted to have a good job...I forget what job but I remember it being a good middle class job that she was striving for.... I think it was a teacher but I'm not 100% sure.

4. She had an amazing mom that I loved so much. Part of me thinks I liked her mom more than her at times. She was so kind and always so positive. She was an amazing cook and I looked forward to her cooking everytime I visited. She would make this meat sauce that was just out of this world. I can't believe I forgot her name but I hope she's doing well because she really deserves a good life.

5. She wasn't in huge debt, but that could have changed after University. I don't think I cared too much about that because she was a fiscally responsible person. Never spent too much on anything and was pretty frugal.

6. She wanted a family and children

7. She was kind and loving

The only red flag she had was that she really liked to travel and wanted to travel a ton after University before settling down (now this isn't a red flag for most but it was for me). I don't think I learned of this till later in our relationship but I remember thinking this might be our downfall. I wasn't willing to go into debt or use up my savings to travel after school, I wanted to travel once my kids were older and we had a paid off home. We never discussed the travel thing and I think that was my biggest mistake. At a young age I understood the importance of compounding and I knew how important it was to start as early as possible.

During our relationship, my fondest memories were going to her cottage. The cottage was on the water near Bobcaygeon and we would go once or twice a summer. During the summers, I would work as much as I could to help pay for university and to save up for a downpayment on a house once I finished university. So going for a weekend away to her cottage was like a luxury vacation to me. The air was so fresh, her mom's cooking was always on point, we'd get ice cream at the local dairy just 4 minutes away and we'd walk to the downtown area to check out the local shops. I'd spend half the day just napping or watching the boats go by and that was what I needed after grueling days of lifting cement bags. Those cottage memories struck me so hard that I almost thought about purchasing the very same cottage years ago but Katie wanted to travel the world and she knew if we owned a cottage, we'd be there all the time and not travelling around and she was right. If I had a cottage, I'd be there all the time.

Besides the cottage, I sadly don't have any other fond memories of us being together.

I really hope I wasn't with Laura just because of her benefits like the cottage, a nice home in Winona, an amazing mom, a good brother, etc. I want to think that I was with Laura because I really cared about her and the rest was just a bonus.

Laura ended up going to Queen's in Kingston (I'm not sure which program) and I was fine with that. I didn't really like the long distance relationship but I do think I really cared for her and wanted to see how this panned out.

During our relationship, I started to gain weight again and my weight fluctuated quite a bit during uni. I slowly became very insecure and just wasn't myself for most of 2nd and 3rd years in uni. When we were together, I don't think we did much, I think we just kind of hung out and I think that is were things started going south. We didn't really do much unless we went to the cottage.

So between me being insecure and us not doing anything when we were together, the relationship started to get stale. Going into year three I started to notice that we just weren't clicking anymore and I was back into a dark place both mentally and physically.

In our 3rd year, I broke up with her on a whim and I wish I had thought about it more and talked to her about it more and kind of just talked it out but I didn't and that was mistake number one. At this point, I felt as if the magic was gone and we were just coexisting.

The problem was at the time that I was very weak and pathetic and I had lost all confidence in myself. I knew I needed to get out of the relationship but was just too weak to do it. Finally just out of the blue I told her it was over and it just wasn't the right move. She was blindsided by it and we both cried. Shortly after we got back together which was mistake number 2. I wanted to get back together because I was treating Laura like an investment that was too big to fail. I no longer saw her as a person to love but as an asset that provided value and I know it's messed up but that's just how I thought about it. So in order for us to really break up, I needed Laura to not get back with me or I needed to get my self confidence back and move on. Now I don't know why she kept coming back but she did and the viscous cycle continued.

We broke up a second time and got back together. Finally Laura called me one day and told me she had applied to study overseas for one year in France and told me she didn't want to be with me while she was there. I wasn't sad that she broke up with me, I was sad that she didn't tell me she applied to learn in France, I felt betrayed but also relieved because she broke up with me this time and I could move on. She waited till she got accepted before telling me which was just soul crushing. So finally you would think this whole thing is over but nope, we got back together again for some reason. When she broke up with me I finally thought I could move on and work on myself but we just couldn't let go.

As the summer was approaching, Laura told me her Mom broke up with her boyfriend and she needed to be with her for support. I was very sympathetic because I loved her mom and felt really bad but also was questioning why we couldn't see each other once a week especially after I wouldn't see her while she was in France. So I thought to myself we're in a long distance relationship, we see each other every other month or maybe once a month during school and the only time we really get to see each other weekly or biweekly is during the summer and she doesn't want to see me. I don't think Laura made up the story but I thought it was odd. Roughly two weeks went by and I called her and asked her if she wanted to meet up. She said no and that we were on a break and she wanted zero contact which didn't really bother me at that point because I hadn't seen her for a while, I wasn't going to see her for 8 months while she was in France and I was working on myself and building myself back up so I could just finally get away from the toxic relationship. I was thinking that Laura was trying to do the same because her actions made little sense to me. I also thought maybe she had found somebody else and was just stringing me along until she knew 100% that the guy she was with would stick around. Who knows why she wanted no contact but that's what she wanted.

As the summer goes on, a girl from Mohawk calls me up and asks me how I'm doing. We chat and end up going out as friends. Laura and I aren't even talking to each other at this point and I decide to take a leap of faith and ask this girl out. Nothing serious, just kinda seeing where this takes us. I was not interested in a long term relationship and she was planning on going out of the country after the summer to do some humanitarian stuff. So I guess is was a fling and at this point I thought Laura and I were done.

The end of the summer comes up and Laura calls me out of the blue and tells me she'd like to meet up. I was a little shocked that she reached out but maybe she wanted to give me back all the stuff I had made/bought for her or something. She shows up and tells me she missed me and loved me and before she could continue I told her I was seeing somebody else. I could tell I really hurt her and I felt really bad but was also confused about the entire situation. I just didn't understand what was going through her head and I don't remember what we said to each other after that but I think it ended on good terms. I was happy and relieved that it was finally over. My self confidence was coming back, I was feeling good about being single, I was spending more time with friends and I was just starting to get into a good place.

Fast forward a week later and Laura asks to come see me before she heads to France. I'm dumb enough to say yes which is now mistake #3. I really wish I had said no and just wished her best of luck on her trip to France. As much as I hated our break and no contact during the summer, it was very healthy for me. Her coming back to talk to me rekindled feelings I had for her and I just needed to keep my distance from her. So anyways we see each other one last time before she goes away and somehow we agreed to stay together and she'd call me once a month while in France. For some stupid reason I got back into a relationship I was fighting so hard to stay out of.

We talk during the months of September and October and everything is going pretty good. She's having a great time and I'm actually happy talking to her and learning about her experiences. Now at one point she tells me that none of the guys are interested in her because of her accent and I thought that was odd but I'm just happy things are in a good place. She calls me in November and tells me she no longer wants to do the monthly convo anymore. I forget her reasoning but I'm assuming she met somebody which was probably her goal the whole time. After the call, I was sad but relieved. The relationship was finally over and because she was seeing a guy, she wouldn't ask me to come back or she wouldn't take me back.

In December, I get a MSN messenger text from Laura. She starts talking about friends and family and just like all the other times, I see this turning into another commitment and I was finally in a spot where I was 99% sure our relationship was never going to work and I told her to never talk to me ever again but in a much meaner way. I feel bad for essentially telling her to fuck off but I think that's what needed to be done to finally end it.

I think I emailed her 3-4 times after that to rant, say mean things and to see how she was doing. To my recollection she responded every time. Maybe she didn't respond to the very last email and I didn't bother emailing her anymore after that. And just like that our long lasting toxic relationship was over.

When it was finally over, I was a mess again, the gains I had made during the summer were gone and I was starting from scratch. But not talking to her really helped me in becoming a better person again. Although it sucked that it ended the way it did, I think it needed to end that way or else we'd end up in an on and off cycle again.

For the first year or so, I'd think about her maybe once a week and it was usually because I ran into somebody that knew her or I was at a place that we both liked. I didn't bother looking her up online often because I just had no interest.

A year and a half goes by, we haven't been in contact at all and I've fallen in love with Katie and Laura is pretty much non-existent to me. My father passed away and I'm in shambles. My father and mother treated Laura like she was their daughter and I felt it was only fair that she should know that he passed away. She never showed up to his funeral or sent my mom a card which was sort of expected because of how our relationship ended but a small part of me was hoping she'd show her respects to my father. I would like to think if the roles were reversed and her mother passed away, I'd be there to show my respects and then leave. Her mom had such an impact on my life that I'd probably show up now if I found out she had passed away.

A week after my father died, something in me changed. I reassessed my life and priorities and just like a switch, Laura was completely removed from my mind and heart. The odd time something very distinct would make me think about her but it wasn't often.

Since the end of our relationship, I've reached out to Laura 3 times.

1. To tell her my father had passed away, she replied but I don't remember what she said.

2. To show her a listing of the cottage we used to go to. I realize now that it might not have been the best thing to do because I'm pretty sure the cottage belonged to the boyfriend and they lost access to the cottage and I regret sending her that. She never replied and I don't blame her. At the time, I had such fond memories of the cottage and I thought it would bring her joy to see it but that was just a stupid move on my part.

3. I was working on a project about the most influential people in my life and wanted to share it with her. I took the opportunity to apologize for how I acted. I kind of regret reaching out because I lied about certain things to make it seem that she was more important to me than she was. I don't know why I did it, maybe I was trying to make up for treating her badly at the end of our relationship. I blocked her from my email so I'm not sure if she replied or not.

Looking back, I'm really embarrassed that our relationship went the way it did. I thought I was a really level headed kid but love makes you do crazy things and that's how I know I loved her because I'd never put myself through that crappy situation if I didn't.

So to recap......

1. I'm disappointed that I'm not friends with the first person I ever loved and/or the first person I ever made love to.

2. I'm disappointed that we ended it the way we did instead of in a mutual way.

3. I'm disappointed that I didn't have the willpower to end our relationship earlier.

4. I'm disappointed that Laura didn't have the willpower to end our relationship earlier.

5. I'm disappointed that I spent 3 years of my life in a long distance relationship.

6. I'm disappointed that Laura never paid respects to my father.

7. I'm disappointed that I spent less time with my dad to spend more time with Laura.

8. I'm disappointed that I focused more time on Laura than on my studies.

9. I'm disappointed that I can't remember all of the good times we had.

10. I'm disappointed that I acted impulsively instead of taking my time and using reason instead of my emotions.

I don't want to end this with a negative vibe and I also want to make sure that I'm to blame just as much as Laura if not more for this debacle.

Although our relationship ended badly, I want to highlight all the things I'm thankful for because Laura did help me in many ways to get me where I am today.

1. She helped me get out of a very dark place in OAC with her kindness and friendship.

2. Laura was the reason I gave up Ephedrine, an over the counter drug that I was using to keep myself going through a very busy time in my life.

3. Laura made me think more about my end goals and how best to achieve them.

4. Laura helped me learn how to love another person

5. Laura is a good and kind hearted person and we just weren't meant for each other.

6. I never would have met Katie if it wasn't for Laura.

7. I never would have hit my financial and retirement goals if it wasn't for Laura.

8. Laura taught me that life is a journey and not a destination. Although our journey was garbage, it led me to my current journey which I'm forever grateful for.

9. Laura treated my mom and dad with respect and kindness, I'll never forget that.

10. I'm thankful that I got to spend quality time with her family.

11. I'm thankful for the memories at the cottage.

12. I'm thankful for her mom's cooking and positive attitude on life.

As much as our relationship sucked, at the end of the day I am grateful to Laura because that timeline is the only way I could ever have met Katie. Although the relationship dragged on for far too long it needed to happen or else I'd probably be with somebody else and I'm 100% positive I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

I wish Laura nothing but great things in life and I hope our shitty relationship was somehow a net positive to her journey. If it wasn't, I'm truly sorry.

One day I hope to look back on this journal entry and see that my first serious relationship was a net positive, that nothing is perfect in life and you need to suffer in life in order to appreciate the good things you have.